Oooompah. Ooooompah.

The Christmas Spirit of
Victim, Love, and Shiny Plastic.


Show Info

Cast and
Reviews of
the Show
Theatre Project
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Movie Trailer
Of sorts.  A five-minute montage from the show.  You can download it in these formats:
Quicktime 5 . . . 12MB
Windows Media 9 . . . 10MB
RealMedia 9 . . . . 9MB
You can also purchase a DVD of the whole show.

Pferdzwackür's Vampire Nutcracker performed itself 8 times at Baltimore Theatre Project, from December 11 through 21, 2003.  A total of 349 people saw the show, paying an average of $10.73 per ticket.  These audience members bought $715.00 worth of Pferdzwackür tchotchke doobers, meaning that the average trinket-spend was just over $2.00 per person.  This figure does not include wine, beer, or soda sales, nor the t-shirt bumpersticker parapernalia available from Theatre Project.

About The Show
Lucinda believes in Vampires.  About Lucinda, everyone has got ideas and agendas.  Here is Delilah's take on the situation.  Lucinda has a twin brother, Clod, and he believes that his sister is very very sick.  He undertakes a mission to save his sister.  But Mr. Ooolong, who runs the show, has his own prescription.  Of course, the presciption for everything, in general, is to Drink Pferdzwackür's Elixir. But not everyone will listen to reason.  It all gets complicated by Lucinda's self-image issues

Lucinda notwithstanding, the show is really about vampires, retail transactions, and victimization.  Honest.  We consumerism you.

About Vampires
We assume that Vampires don't do caskets, ancient tombs or bats anymore.  Nowadays, they live mostly in plastic toys.  Anything shiny, shrink-wrapped or advertised on television is suspect.  The vampires we hunt are media hypnotists.  The vampires we hunt are soaked in kerosene, bright burning, sexy, sizzling.  By releasing swarms of moths, we track the vampires back to their lairs.  The only way to be safe is to buy our products, and not ask too many questions.

About Retail Transactions
Americans are smart when they are shopping, and stupid when they are watching entertainment.  Yep.  We can go on and on about this.  The Vampire Nutcracker is a show where something is stalking us, and the thing to do is to stop the show, and put attractive merchandise on sale for the audience to peruse.  This smartens everybody up, and keeps away the bad spirits.  Christmas is the season of good cheer.  The Spirit of Christmas suffuses us.  All that capital changing hands is good for the soul.

About Victimization
Certain interests profit from new blood, no matter what.  This is not the prerogative of the talent, the dupe, or the customer, who might choose to declare, "Today, my blood shall not flow."  Not the case.  Old money is a force or nature.

Anybody who is happier than you are is probably opressing you.  This is most obvious when somebody is richer, better educated, prettier, has better sex, knows funnier and more lively friends, and drives a nicer car than you do.  But it is equally true of a poor uneducated loser with no prospects, lots of debt, no leisure time, plenty of painful diseases, and no friends, but who is, nonetheless, happier than you are.  You are a victim, and Santa Claus cannot save you.  But we can.  Buy our Product.

About Christmas
The Vampire Nutcracker is a search through the lands of Bad Faith, Good Credit, Hoodwink Flim-Flam, the Mutual Confidence Racket, Karma Liquidators, Blue Market Goods, and the Land of Na.  These are the places that Santa will not stop.  We want you to know where you can hide, in case he comes looking for you.

Press Release PDF

We invite you to be   

Back to the Top.

Trust our 
brand equity.
Dig our 
sundry product.
Magic Medicine,
Little Rubber Men,
Voodoo Doodums,
all can be yours.
Then, at the end,
everybody receives 
and a 
Ten Percent 

Voodoo Nutcrackers.
Witch Doctors.
Retail Merchandise.
You Betcha!

Lucinda O delicate
young ballerina gets
bit by a vampire,

goes crazy.

What do you
do with a  
luscious beauty?

Creepy things creep.
Rats.  Totems.
Little rubber men.
designer things.
All of this can
be yours.